I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop