Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
You Might Also Like
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks