We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
True?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.