BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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I just tested negative for patience.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.