the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
You Might Also Like
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.