Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Oh we’ve met.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.