My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
mathematically impossible
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
some things should go without saying
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af