Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.