Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
satan: not today, microsoft teams