Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
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In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
TEETH IS INNOCENT