Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?