Fluff me with a fork baby
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot