Pot warmers of the day.
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you