Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
*mops up wine with cat*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth