Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
oppen heimer style lol
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!