Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.