When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really