If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad