So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.