The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered