Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Many hands make light work