My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Dishonest mechanic?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Ugh
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.