ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
So, can we agree on 4 or
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.