I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Try and stop me.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
how much does a mortician urn in a year
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly