“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
One venti cheeseburger please.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My inexpensive home security system…
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.