[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge