it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Worth the read.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.