[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?