Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Writing, She Murdered.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.