Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
O Wise One….
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up