At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?