Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
where the womens at?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.