8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?