5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Yup….perfect score!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?