KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy