My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
You Might Also Like
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.