Denise please return my vape pen
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Sharon, call the vet
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.