Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.