I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.