“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Happy Taco Tuesday
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”