the last thing a carrot sees
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.