I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…