A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”