Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My dog learned how to text
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper