Bruh PLEASE
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood