Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck