5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”