Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.