Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud