u spoke cat all this time??????
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
selena gomez
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
inappropriate Care Bears be like: